I’m not one for depressing or deep-thought posts, but I think that this is an important one, especially in the wake of what happened with the Duggar clan and what appears to be in my feed constantly these days. Harassment, sexual or otherwise, is an important topic and should demand our time and attention (and overrun our Facebook feed), but I don’t want to make this post about The Duggards. I’m writing this today because as a parent, I’ve taken a subtle step to address this issue with my kids. While I typically try to not preach my ways of parenting to others, this is an important topic and the behaviour is so simple and easy to implement I want to share it.
How many times have your children’s grandparents asked for a hug or a kiss to only be rejected by your kids? The grandparents get all upset and sometimes they even pout. As parents, we feel like the middle man. We want to please our parents and teach our children how to be “polite”. So I’ll go out on a limb here and assume that most of you have asked your kids to kiss and hug their grandparents per their request. While seemingly innocent, this call to action that we’ve put out to our kids can in fact be very harmful.
Grandparents adore their grand-kids and only seek affection. In fact, in some families it’s probably customary or tradition to kiss and hug when greeted or saying good-bye. And for the most part, kids are just shy or “lazy” to hug and kiss back. Regardless the reason, and no matter how upset the grandparents might get, my husband and I never force, or even ask, our boys to hug and kiss back. We fully know that our parents only have the best intentions in mind (especially since my parents are over almost on a daily basis to help out), but the reason we don’t ask our kids to hug or kiss back extends far beyond their grandparents.
A recent family trip to Hawaii with my parents
If you teach your children to have respect for their personal space and body and give them the opportunity to be able to say “NO” when they don’t feel like being affectionate with a family member, imagine how much more confident they will be to say NO when the request is coming from a stranger. I want my sons to know that they have control over their body. I want my sons to know that affection and love feels good and shouldn’t feel forced.
It’s a simple lesson but it has a powerful effect. Regardless of your child’s sex or age, it’s never too early or late to start teaching this behaviour. Even grandparents can be quick learners! If you receive push back or rolling eyes, privately explain to them why you don’t want to push your kids to act this way. Often enough, my kids are happy to comply with their grandparents request and give them hugs and kisses on their own accord.
I remember a time when I “blackmailed” my son to give me a kiss and he would get _____ (fill in the blank with his favourite toy). My husband happened to be around and he gave me “the look”. He was right; parents shouldn’t force hugs and kisses on their kids either. Of course my intentions were harmless (I just love him to pieces and wished he would give me more hugs and kisses), but the lesson would be lost on my son.
I remember another incident in which our nanny wanted to give our boys hugs and kisses upon her arrival. The boys were squirmy and refused. Since I was sitting by them, I used it as a teaching opportunity. I told them to reply back and say “No thank-you”. It was an easy lesson and it was in a safe environment. I took time to “train” them by providing them with the proper words to use and the confidence to say them.
Affection between kids and parents and between kids and grandparents and close family members is very special. There is an innocence to it when it happens naturally and it’s a beautiful sight and feeling. Lets let it be just that – a natural action; never a forced one.
I really really like this I taught my kids that there were only certain people (which was and is very few family members) that they could hug and kiss hello and good bye. Yes we all make the mistake of telling our kids to hug and kiss when they are asked by grandparents.I am guilty of that BUT with having a special needs I taught mine specifically who they could only hug and kiss and no one else unless mommy was there and on ly if I ok`d it. This is a very hard topic but it definately is one that needs to be talked about. My parents now will when my kids do not want to hug and kiss they will shake hands and that is definately ok with my parents. Thank you for this write up
Sounds like you’re doing this thing right 🙂 Good for you for doing what’s right for your kids and your situation. Happy to hear the grandparents were on board
My granddaughter didn’t always want to give me a hug or being held. She’s really shy and is not the cuddly type. I respected that and give her her space, and now she is 2 1/2 and always give me hugs when I get there and when I leave.
Sometimes kids do things at their own pace and when they’re comfortable. Good for you for seeing that and respecting it
we usually say “hugs or high fives” and it’s up the kids to decide if they are going to say good bye to their grandparents with a hug or a high five. I feel like it teaches them to be polite because they still have their moment to say good bye, but also gives them the control of how they would like to do it. If they are feeling huggy they can, if not a simple high 5 will do.
I think that’s a great idea!Thanks for sharing.
That’s a really good point, which I haven’t seen commonly written about. Personal boundaries should be respected no matter the age of the person.
I believe you are correct,after all we should respect them as we would an adult.
Excellent post! Thanks so much for sharing. I’ll be sending this to my adult daughters who have their own wee kidlets. I had a daughter that just didn’t like to hug anyone and people used to get so offended, which made the situation so uncomfortable for everyone, especially my little one.
I never forced my kids to kiss relatives – it was unbelievable how badly the adults esp. grandparents would react (vocally) and pout.( I HATED being forced to kiss relatives when I was a kid! Swore early on my kids would not have to do that!)
Great post. It’s something that I honestly haven’t put much thought into because I always hug my parents and in-laws and ask my daughter to do the same. She’s not quite 2 yet. Some times she doesn’t want to, but it’s mostly due to her being shy I think more than a feeling of invading her space, but I should be more mindful of it. I agree that it’s a great lesson to teach. I also like the idea of ‘hugs or high fives’ that Jennifer mentioned.
Fantastic read! Intuitively, I’ve never wanted to force my kids to show or receive unwanted affection but I certainly have been guilty of doing so anyways. Perhaps because I couldn’t pinpoint how specifically it might be damaging, I would go against my better judgement and, like you said, play the middle man. I guess it goes to show that as a parent, it’s important to trust your gut and not fall into the habit of doing things because “it’s the way it’s supposed to be” or because “it’s the way it’s always been”. I’ve always maintained that I love my kids enough to be the bad guy (meaning that I’ll go to bat for them even if I know it won’t be received well by other people) and after reading this (thank you!) I’m going to apply that here too.
I’d like to add that I think by respecting your children’s right to say “no” to unwanted affection, it in turn teaches them to pay that same respect to others. This is an important lesson that I want my boys to learn at an early age so that they will grow into men who fully understand the meaning and the importance of consent.
Yes. Your last point. I totally agree!!! It’s definitely something I want to instill in my boys too. Thanks for your comment
So interesting, I’ve never really thought about this side of personal space but I definitely agree with you. From the time that my girls could speak, I have told them that their private parts are anything that a bathing suit covers & they should never let anyone touch those parts (except for with bathroom help). We’ve taught them all the correct words. I still worry though. I think that kids can develop such a strong sense of shame when something happens to them that they remain hesitant to speak.The Duggard family situation speaks to this. I struggle so much with how much to tell my kids and where the boundaries of sharing & oversharing lie. My oldest daughter is about to start kindergarten. What do you actually tell your children about boundaries? I’m just curious about how other moms are addressing this with their little people?
I’m lucky my kids absolutely love their grandparents and kiss and hug them everytime they see them
I don’t like to force my boys to hug or kiss anyone either. It should be their choice if they want to. They do have to be respectful and great people when they meet them.
What a great article and something I wish more parents would stop and think about. Could you imagine as an adult, and another adult “forcing” you to hug someone? So I am not sure why we expect our children to do so. My kids were always really shy, and I never forced them to speak or hug anyone, family included.
Wow! I never ever thought of it this way before! Thanks for an eye opening read!