I was recently speaking to a friend of mine who asked me how I was ‘doing it all’ during the pandemic. My reply? I’m not… I’m drowning and my head is barely above water. Something I’m sure most parents, who are juggling work, childcare, home, etc…, are feeling as well.
Of course, there’s always some joys and bright spots that have arisen during this time as well. It made me think about how other families are fairing out. I know that there’s a lot that I’ve learned about myself, as an individual and a parent, during this time. I’ve shared some of my tips but wondered if other parents may have some different tips to share; especially if their current routine differs than mine.
I decided to reach out to others parents, some that I know and some that I don’t, to get their perspective on parenting during the pandemic.
Here are 7 parents and 7 different perspectives on parenting during the pandemic; the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Renee, mom to 2 kids, Cancer Thriver
1. What does a typical day (during covid) look like for you? A typical day starts just before 8 am. We all get up, eat breakfast, and the kids get dressed for online school. Each kid has their own area where they do their work. My daughter is in grade 4 and is completely independent with her school work and schedule. She goes to her room to work and then comes out for her breaks. My son is in grade 2 and he is becoming more independent with his work but still needs some help with the technology piece so I sit close by for when he needs assistance. When the morning classes are over, we all sit down and have lunch together. The kids have an hour for lunch at the same time. Then it’s back for their afternoon sessions. Once school is done for the day, we get the kids outside for outdoor time.
2. How is it different or alike to life pre-covid? Life is totally different than before COVID-19. Before my daughter was dancing competitively and my son was playing select hockey. We were literally running in all different directions and we didn’t spend lots of time together. Now, we spend all of our time together. Even though the kids are missing their extracurricular activities and friends, the slow-paced life and spending time together as a family has been really nice and a real silver lining. Not all moments are amazing, but we are trying to make the best out of this time together.
3. What were some of the lows for you personally / for your family during the pandemic? We live in a condo and as much as we love it, being stuck in a small space with a little balcony can get challenging at times. As well, when we got locked down in March of last year, not knowing what was coming our way was challenging. As well, not seeing family and friends was and is very hard. My kids are very social and not being able to see their friends in person is hard. We try to connect with friends and family over FaceTime but it’s not the same as in-person visits.
My grandmother passed away in October of old age at 98 years old. Not being able to have a proper funeral with our entire extended family, shiva, and days of mourning was very bizarre. It doesn’t feel like we have proper closure but we obviously had to respect the rules that the Government put in place. We are hoping that when we put up the headstone, that we will be able to have our entire extended family there to honour her amazing life and legacy.
4. What were some of the highs for you personally / for your family during the pandemic? Spending time together and a slower-paced life. Even though we miss activities and running around it’s really nice not having to rush places. As well, my parents bought a family cottage which has been amazing and a true gift to us all.
5. Any key takeaways / tips you want to share with other mothers / families who are struggling right now? I think it’s so important that everyone be easy on themselves. It can be a lot in some moments. So someday we might need to take it minute by minute or hour by hour. There’s no rulebook on how we should be coping with this so the easier we are on ourselves the better.
L.T., parent to 1 (bio) & 2 step-kids, Accountant
- What does a typical day (during covid) look like for you? Some days I am still going to my office for work (2-3 days a week) so those almost feel like typical pre-covid days. The traffic is definitely lighter and being at work does feel different (morning screenings to enter the office, everyone wearing masks except when at our desk, specific one-way directional walking in the office). Getting home from work means that once I enter the door, I am likely not going back out. There is no rush to be home by a certain time as there are no activities to rush to. On work-from-home days, I head to the basement where my workspace is. The kids and my husband are usually on the main floor. My husband is currently a “stay-at-home” parent which feels a bit ironic right now because that’s literally all he and the kids do during the day – stay home. When I can, I assist my husband as much as possible throughout the day as he is managing 2 girls under school age and one in grade 7. The grade 7 is fairly independent but still needs to be kept on track with his learning.
- How is it different or alike to life pre-covid?
I was on maternity leave and my daughter was 11 months old when everything shut down in March. Up until that point, I was usually out for a few hours each day for different activities – music class, swim lessons, mom group meet-ups, Early ON center playtimes, etc. Going from that to absolutely nothing and just being home all day up until I was able to get back into the workforce in late June 2020 felt very isolating. I had spent a year cultivating wonderful new friendships with moms and then now
having not seen any of them for almost a year; the friendships that were building have pretty much gone on hold. That is definitely hard. Having a grade 6 at the time who had barely any online learning to do and dealing with him just being in his room all day playing video games was difficult – what else could he do? - What were some of the lows/struggles for you personally / for your family during the pandemic? I was supposed to go back to work in early April 2020 from maternity leave. The week before my start date, my company started making temporary lay-offs which included myself. My EI ended and the new programs were very unclear. My employer was topping up laid-off employees but because I had to go on CERB and not EI, I wasn’t eligible for the same top-ups. There was really no end in sight to the temporary lay-off. We were really struggling financially because my husband had lost his job in November 2019 and was in the process of opening a pet care services business in March 2020. He had worked very hard to get it going and the week of his launch was the week everything shut down. With everyone working from home, there wasn’t a whole lot of demand for someone to come and walk dogs, or feed/take care of cats when people go away for a weekend…because for obvious reasons nobody was going away for the weekend. I managed to find a new (wonderful) job in June 2020. The entire interview process was done completely virtually. My first weeks of work were at home and I didn’t meet many of my co-workers in person for quite a while. It was very hard to leave my daughter for the first time to go to work (physically in the office) in the middle of the pandemic. There were so many extra worries too. Was I risking exposing her by going into the office? My daughter’s first birthday was in April 2020. We had planned a birthday party which included my parents from out of town. We had to cancel and shift to just a zoom call. My daughter was too young to know any different but as a first-time mother it was a hard pill to swallow to not get to celebrate this big milestone as planned with family and friends. It has been really hard to have my parents 4 hours away and have them miss so much of my daughter’s life in the last year. Technology is a saviour in this regard but it’s not the same to have them watch her from afar. I miss them and the support they were able to provide during my daughter’s first year of life. My step-kids go back and forth between our house and their mother’s house. This has been a struggle for us because we can’t control our bubble. We can limit our movements and who we see but we have no idea how many people are entering the bubble on the other side – it can be frustrating trying to protect your family (and doing our “part”) but having so little control over that. Even if we stay home all day every day and never go anywhere, we can easily be exposed if the other household doesn’t maintain the same methodologies (which based on my knowledge they haven’t).
- What were some of the highs/things you have cherished for you personally / for your family during the pandemic?
Definitely finding a new job and getting back in the workforce. Figuring out how to balance life as a working mother and realizing that I can do it.
Finding other ways to make memories as a family. Watching just how close my daughter and step-daughter got as they were each other’s only playmate for the most part for the better part of a year.
Appreciating the little things in life that we took for granted before. Being able to go sit down in a restaurant as a family. It hasn’t been something we have been able to do for a while now but I know
that we will definitely appreciate those outings more when we can go again. Cherishing the time we do spend together now and not having the rush rush rush to different activities. Finding new and fun ways to celebrate the holidays with family members – zoom calls over Easter and
Thanksgiving dinners for example. Christmas presents dropped off on porches and opened up together over video calls. - Any key takeaways / tips you want to share with other parents / families who are struggling right now? Having 3 kids at home and not being able to go anywhere other than the grocery store is exhausting. Mentally, our whole family is completely drained. We miss going places, seeing friends and family, having activities and sports. I have been really having a rough time with everything recently and struggling. I know that I am not the only one. Some days, I’m not sure how to keep going in this covid world. I don’t have a whole lot of words of wisdom here. I get up and I go but I am definitely dragging.
- Anything else you want to add/discuss that’s not covered above? Please feel free to share your specific perspective. I worry so much about what this year is doing specifically to my daughter’s development (socially especially) but also my two step-kids. How much has my daughter missed out on by not being able to go out and socialize with other kids her age? What is she getting behind on because of this? She seems to be behind where her sister was at the same age from a speech perspective. It might be because of their personalities and each kid is different but how much of it is because she just hasn’t been exposed to much in the last year? My daughter has rarely spent time away from my husband or me in the last year so how is that going to impact her when life goes back to a more pre-covid “normal” and she attends daycare – without having had the opportunity to be exposed to many non-family members for so much of her life – almost half at this point? What are the long-term effects of all of this going to be on the kids as they grow up – how is this going to shape them.
Ayelet, mom to 2, works as a Clinical Research Manager
- What does a typical day (during covid) look like for you? A typical day includes waking up with my two daughters, aged 7 and 10, making them breakfast and getting them organized for their online virtual school. I work as a Clinical Research Manager at a hospital downtown Toronto (currently from home) and my days can get quite busy. Some days are filled with meetings, seminars, rounds, and deadlines and other days are a bit quieter. Once my girls are online, I start my workday. I am fortunate to be able to work from home; however, it is a daily struggle to manage everything on my own. While I am happy the kids have some semblance of routine, the school day is not that long and it is hard to accomplish everything that needs to be done in a day. After school is over, I may continue to work for a bit before making dinner, cleaning up, and hanging out with the kids. Some days I need to continue to work past midnight after they are asleep.
- How is it different or alike to life pre-covid? Things are completely different to life pre-Covid. Pre-Covid, I would be going into the hospital for work almost every day. I always had the flexibility to work from home so I would usually do that once a week. However, my kids were in aftercare at school and I would usually pick them up between 5 and 5:30. Activities, play dates, and seeing family would happen regularly.
- What were some of the lows for you personally / for your family during the pandemic? My mum passed away at the end of December in 2019. We were very fortunate to be with her when she passed away, in addition to having all of our friends and family attend the funeral and shiva (Jewish custom of mourning for 7 days following a funeral); something that would not have been possible had this happened during Covid. However, Covid restrictions were put in place 3 months later and we were unable to be together as a family to grieve and be with each other. This has definitely been the hardest thing and continues to be the hardest thing to this day.
- What were some of the highs for you personally / for your family during the pandemic? I love the slower pace of life. I always wished my mat leave could have happened when the kids were older and I now had the opportunity to be home with my kids and spend lots of time together. When the kids are in school, everything is a rush – from drop off to going to work to picking them up, making dinner, helping with homework, and doing extracurricular activities. We all appreciate each other more and realize we are so fortunate to have what we have.
- Any key takeaways/tips you want to share with other mothers/families who are struggling right now? I had and have a lot of guilt some days when the kids watch more television than I would like or when I have to work or be on a call when they want to play with me. However, I am learning that we are all navigating this the best we can and we all need to be gentle with ourselves and lower our expectations of what is possible right now.
Natasha, single parent to 1, Marketing Communications Manager
- What does a typical day (during covid) look like for you? We get up, have breakfast, get dressed (always!) and I answer work emails. On school days (Mon/Wed/Fri) I try to help with school but if I have a work meeting, I just leave the laptop on for my daughter and she does whatever she wants. If she walks away from online school to play, I just let her be. When school is over my daughter usually goes outside with her grandmother, who lives in the flat downstairs. I then try to cram a bunch of work in. I make lunch at noon and have my daughter with me until 2pm. She plays with educational apps on the iPad or colours while I work. At 2pm she goes downstairs to her grandmother’s and they usually bake something or play. I work until 4pm. Then we have some family time/dinner/bath/bedtime etc. Once she is asleep, I work until about 9/9:30, and then I got to bed! There’s basically no leisure time for me and I do not even leave the house for many days in a row!
- How is it different or alike to life pre-covid? Well, we definitely get more sleep because we don’t need to do before- and aftercare and a commute. However, as a single parent, I miss the interaction of being
with other adults! I never thought I’d miss going to work but I really miss being around other people, the lunchtime chats and heck, even the stupid office gossip. - What were some of the lows/struggles for you personally / for your family during the pandemic? I am parenting alone so the burden of everything falls on my shoulders and my shoulders alone. My daughter
is a very young December baby in JK and facilitating virtual schooling while working a full-time job is impossible. She is just too young to do it on her own so virtual learning in our case is an additional full-time job for me. I’ve had to go through a bit of a process to let things go in terms of her schooling. At first, the guilt was overwhelming and I found myself crying every night. I finally found solace in the fact that SK is basically a repeat of JK so she will have a chance to do it all again next year. We do
school 3 mornings a week from 8:45 until 10 and that’s it. I simply cannot fit any more into my schedule. It still doesn’t erase the feelings of failure though, but I have been left with no other choice. - What were some of the highs/things you have cherished for you personally / for your family during the pandemic? I know I’ll never get this much time with my daughter ever again and I realize it is a bit
of a blessing in disguise. She also started sleeping in my bed with me and I’m not fighting it. She snuggles and holds my hand while she sleeps… she’ll suddenly be a teenager and want nothing to do with me so I am cherishing every moment of our snuggles! - Any key takeaways/tips you want to share with other parents/families who are struggling right now? Let things go. Housework, laundry, homemade balanced meals, putting on make-up … let it go.
Accept what you can handle and what you cannot and just go with it. You almost have to go through a bit of a grieving process that you are not a super-parent but a human being with basic needs and a vast range of responsibilities.
Katherine, parent to 4 year old, Senior Administrator, Insurance
1. What does a typical day (during covid) look like for you? I get up at 3:30-4am and tip-toe through my tiny house to the living room where I attempt to work my day job with some level of focus until 7:30am(ish) when the kid gets up. My partner walks the dog and also works during this time. Once the kid is up, my partner continues to work while I do breakfast, empty/fill the dishwasher, get a load of laundry going, scoop the cat litter and, if I am very lucky, spend 30min on the treadmill. Then I get the kid situated for virtual school on the couch in the living room while I attempt to supervise/assist that and continue to do the office job (phone calls, etc). At lunch, I try to get something going for dinner (slow cooker recipes are my friend), evaluate if we need to order groceries, switch the laundry, treadmill if I am very lucky and shower. Back to school and poking at the office job but it’s mostly doom scrolling social media for an hour or two as I am burned out and need to connect with my family/friends/memes. At some point, my kid will burn out and we’ll stop schooling. We move our bodies, then switch to educational apps. At 3:15pm or so, we go for a walk to get fresh air. Then it’s home to finish dinner (cook the vegetables or whatever) and play with our toys/read books. Dinner at 5pm, a video call with grandparents at 5:30, my partner takes the kid for another walk at 5:45, then bath and bedtime, and kiddo is out by 7:30-8pm. I attempt to fold laundry, shower if I didn’t manage it before, and run the dishwasher.
2. How is it different or alike to life pre-covid? Pre-covid, I spent an hour of the morning walking as part of my commute to work. I no longer get that walk. I spent my lunch at the gym for HIIT and weights. I no longer get that time. Pre-covid, I was able to focus on my work doing a singular task no matter if it was in office or WFH and I can no longer do that. Chores were for weekends or deeper into the night but I’m so tired from doing everything all at once all day every day, I hardly make it to 8:30 before I pass out. Life pre-covid was more structured and reliable health-wise and activity-wise.
3. What were some of the lows/struggles for you personally / for your family during the pandemic? In 2019, my company was purchased by another and by early January 2020, I learned that they had decided not to keep me as part of the merger. I was let go from a job I had held for 12 years of glowing reviews. There was, of course, the associated depression and other feelings to process when one is let go in this manner but I began job hunting the moment they gave me the 4-week notice, so I was already interviewing and making progress with that. I was hired at a new company with a mid-march start date. That was pushed back by a week because the initial lockdown was going to be for a brief period of time, so why not wait to start? When it became obvious we were going to be home for some time, I started my job remotely. I was mailed the equipment, set myself up and began training all while minding a toddler as daycares were closed at the time. It was frightening; I worried for my job security as surely they wouldn’t want to keep me with the tangle covid had made of everything. Childless people would make better candidates for training in this manner. Luckily, all was well and I was kept. Daycares opened again in the summer and I was able to improve as an employee and get back into a fitness routine for my mental health. Kiddo was supposed to start JK in September and we opted to keep him in preschool. Two other JK-aged kids stayed as well. We were very lucky. It all went tits up in December when 1 of the kids left to start JK in January and my partner decided that kiddo should do the same to socialize with more kids and hadn’t the schools been safe since September? Of course, we were then locked down. Kiddo’s first day of public school was from my couch and we’ll be stuck here for who knows how long. I am again suffering as an employee, a parent, a teacher and a person. I am very lucky in that I have another adult to parent with. I am very lucky that we are both not only employed but both working from home. But a lot of this has fallen on my shoulders, as I can work at 3am and my partners’ job is more meeting and phone call focused, so he is more strictly held to the 9-5 hours.
4. What were some of the highs/things you have cherished for you personally / for your family during the pandemic? I met someone who lives just up the street and has a child of a similar age to mine. We may have never connected in this way had it not been for the pandemic. Both kiddo and I now have local BFFs and that has been life changing and life saving.
5. Any key takeaways / tips you want to share with other parents / families who are struggling right now? My personal tip is: lower your expectations. There are kids who get through wars and are able to catch up on their education after the fact. A pandemic year isn’t a permanent scar on a child’s education. Working out is great and important, but do what you can and don’t kill yourself trying to maintain the schedule you had in the before times. We are under constant stress and this will come with physical changes (weight gain, depression, insomnia). Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself.
6. Anything else you want to add/discuss that’s not covered above? Please feel free to share your specific perspective.
As I said above, I am very privileged in this situation. There are two full-time stay-at-home earners in this house. The struggles of a single parent or of a parent who works in health care will be much stronger. I want to acknowledge that I understand my privilege and am very grateful for it.
Erin, parent to 1 child, Fundraiser
1. What does a typical day (during covid) look like for you? A typical day depends on if I have my daughter with me or not. I separated in November 2019 and so have been living on my own since then with my daughter with me 50% of the time. If my daughter is with me, I put an ‘out of office’ on my work email as I simply can’t work when she is with me. She is only 4 and needs my attention. We tried virtual school but it is not engaging enough for her and so we are virtual school dropouts. We spend the day doing different activities and going outside, we do some letter and number work too. I usually work for 1.5 hours after lunch while she watches a movie, and then I work again once she is in bed, from 8:30 to 11 PM. My work has been very flexible, but I feel a lot of guilt because I’m a fundraiser and it is important that I am setting my agency up for success. If my daughter is not with me, I basically cram meetings into my day to maximize the time I am available.
2. How is it different or alike to life pre-covid? Immensely different. If schools were open, I could handle this. With schools closed, I’m drowning. I basically care for my daughter, work, cook and clean. I do still manage to fit in exercise as I mentally need to be active or I feel sluggish and gross. I am working full time from home which has been a huge adjustment as I’m a very social person. While I do call friends and family often, not seeing friends and family is challenging and I have much more alone time than I would like. Especially the days my daughter is not with me.
3. What were some of the lows/struggles for you personally / for your family during the pandemic? My daughter is an only child and it has been devastating to see her away from her friends during the school/daycare closures. She is a reserved and observant child who takes time to warm up to other children. I’ve seen her become much more timid with other children during the pandemic and it is concerning to me. She absolutely needs to be with other children to nurture her friendships, her development, and engage in play-based learning. There is only so much imaginative play one adult can do in a day! She needs to be with kids her own age. It’s also been really hard to hear her talk about things she misses or things she wants to do once the pandemic is over. She constantly talks about having her friends over when the virus is gone and I really want this for her. Such a simple activity, but a great part of childhood: playing with friends. I have also had a lot of stress about financial uncertainty. While there have been no actual threats of unemployment, it is very scary being a single parent during this pandemic. My workplace has been wonderfully supportive, but I feel constant guilt that I am overwhelmed with balancing my home and work life right now. There is simply not enough time or energy with school closures, and it is mentally exhausting to try to keep up with both, and both well. Even though I am employed and have been assured I do not need to worry about a layoff, I have a lot of anxiety that I will be. I would like to be able to focus on my career right now and my career growth, yet I’m stuck in pandemic realities that simply do not let me to the extent I would like. So many women are being pushed from the workforce and it is really upsetting to me. Parents, especially mothers, should not be punished for this difficult circumstance we’ve been put in. I am very thankful for the incredibleness of my workplace, and I honestly wish I could give them more right now.
4. What were some of the highs/things you have cherished for you personally / for your family during the pandemic? At the end of the day, my daughter has been a real blessing through this. While it has been stressful, she keeps me in the moment. I find I am less stressed when I am engaged with her because we are just focusing on each other and having fun. We find joy in so many moments. We play outside every day, no matter the weather, and have come to really love winter! We’ve been doing lots of skating and sledding, ravine walks, etc. I love seeing how she sees the world. I am very thankful for these moments of seeing the world through her eyes. As I work for a charity, I’ve also been blown away by the kindness of many Torontonians. I get to see firsthand how generous and supportive people are during this pandemic. This has been a real silver lining and has been incredibly motivating for me both personally and professionally. And even larger than that, to see how this pandemic has created a real sense of community. The amount of times neighbors, friends, and families have offered support in whatever means available, has been amazing to be a part of. Every person’s cup is full right now, but there is understanding and compassion, openness to honest and real conversations, and acts of kindness.
5. Any key takeaways / tips you want to share with other parents / families who are struggling right now? I have found it helpful to set boundaries on my availability during this pandemic. I cannot be everything to everyone, and it is important that I’m also taking care of myself. While I am exhausted and really over school closures, I make time to be active because it is important to helping me feel good. Parents are stretched thin right now, and we have to be firm on what is negotiable and non-negotiable for us. I also think accepting that family life is not ideal is helpful. For example, my little one is not doing virtual learning. I was having a lot of stress about this, then let it go. She is cared for, loved, engaged in other activities with me and having fun. She will pick up formal learning again, but it isn’t worth our mental health to force it into happening.
Kinga, parent to Siena, works in Marketing
- What does a typical day (during covid) look like for you? Get ready, assist my daughter with starting remote school online, then I log on to start working as my business is online. I own a digital marketing company. The advent of the digital age has brought us many advantages, including the ability to work remotely. However, running a business from home doesn’t always project the professional image you may desire. This is where a virtual office comes in handy. Trust me, it’s a game changer.
- How is it different or alike to life pre-covid? Now I have a 6 year old sitting across from me all day needing attention. I help her with work and give her approximately 100 snacks daily! It’s all very distracting so then I have to try to work after she is done school and at night. Also, my husband used to travel for work. Now we are all HOME all the time!
- What were some of the lows/struggles for you personally / for your family during the pandemic? Biggest struggle has been all of us being home all at the same time. My husband used to travel for work so I would have the whole house to work in all day until I would pick up my daughter from school. We downsized 5 years ago but now we upsized again because we both work from home and our daughter does school from home.
- What were some of the highs/things you have cherished for you personally / for your family during the pandemic? Highs include spending time together as a family. Previously, my husband always traveled and we traveled together as a family monthly too. We used to be very busy traveling and working. Now our schedules are freer to enjoy spending time together. Another good thing to come out of this is that we can slow down at work and actually take days off. We have been better at setting boundaries for work and making family a priority.
- Any key takeaways/tips you want to share with other parents/families who are struggling right now? My main tip is that it will get easier. Nothing will be as it once was, so you need to find a new balance and that looks different for every family. We sleep in now, do not commute and I do not even shower until my daughter is online at school. I get ready for my day only after my daughter starts hers (around 9AM). We all eat lunch and dinner together. We also go for walks together during lunch breaks and make sure we all finish working by 4 or 5 at the latest. We now no longer work on weekends and try not to work nights unless it was a crazy school day. The best advice I can give is to be open and willing to go through a lot of change. Being fluid is a lot easier than trying hard to push against an income tidal wave of change.