It’s hard letting go of my last baby

When you know your youngest child is also your last, it comes with mixed emotions. On the one hand, there is relief and a sense of closure. You look at your family and you know what “IT” looks like, the dynamic, the car size that you’ll need and whether or not you can ever afford a family vacation again.  On the other hand, you also realize that many of the little things you do together could be your last. Their first giggle, taking their first steps, and calling you mom! It also means no more parenting do-overs, and I certainly was grateful for a re-do after having my oldest son Kyle. The only way I can describe his first year of life is a HAZE! I had no idea what I was doing, I probably did it all wrong, and I rushed it all. While I did make a conscience effort to be more in the moment with my youngest two, I will never get a chance to do some of the cute things I always wanted to do while they were still babies (you know…make a time-laps video of daily pictures or dress them up and take cute pictures while they nap. Admit it, you saw someone do it and you wanted to do that too!).

My sweet boys

While I won’t miss a lot of things, including the constant middle of the night wake-ups, on-demand feeding, breastfeeding, and having someone watch me in the bathroom, there are some things that I will miss.

Like when Nate puts his hands on my cheeks and comes in for a full-on wet mouth smooch! I will miss him running over to me holding out his hand and saying “oww” because he wants me to kiss his booboo better. I’ll miss the sweet and loving face that looks up at me with so much pure love and puts his hands up and reaches for me to hold him. I will miss the early morning and post-nap cuddles and snuggles. I will even miss sharing a bed with him AND I really despise co-sleeping because both me and the kids have terrible sleeps when we share a bed – that’s how much I’ll miss my last baby stage!

So for now, when he asks to be held, I hold him. When he wants to snuggle a littler longer before his nap or sleep, I stick around a little longer. When he reaches for my hand, I grab his without any hesitation and when he wakes up in the middle of the night, I crawl into bed with him instead of letting him cry it out. I’m learning to slow-down time using mommy magic. I’m learning to cherish these moments when I am still his whole life. After all, I know it’s only a matter of time before I’m downgraded to being just his chef, bank account and personal caretaker.