It happened again, as it most certainly will continue to happen for the rest of my life. I received someone else’s opinion about the “tragedy” of having all boys as children. The thing is, I’ve heard it so often now that I have gotten to the point where I just shrug it off to ignorance or difference of opinion. After all, I am so grateful and happy with an all boys team. But sometimes, I can’t help but wonder if maybe I am missing out because I don’t have a daughter. Not because I actually feel that way, but because every other person makes it their point to tell me that I am. Maybe they know something that I don’t? After all, I only have boys, so that’s all I know. Maybe having a girl would be a different experience in parenting. Maybe it would be a different type of love. I don’t actually feel that way, but maybe I should according to almost everyone out there.
Mostly it’s all well-intending family members, friends and strangers (yes, even strangers have an opinion about my children’s gender). Which is why I often brush it off. But sometimes, someone says something to me that just strikes a chord and I can’t let it go. That is exactly what happened this past week when I was out with a group of friends. As it often occurs, conversation among parents inevitably turn to our kids. My friend (but not a close one), has three kids as well, approximately the same age as my kids except her oldest two oldest are boys, and the youngest is a girl. She mentioned how parenting her girl is SO DIFFERENT compared to parenting the boys. And while she didn’t come out and say it in these words, she meant that it’s BETTER! She assumed that because I have all boys, I wouldn’t understand what she meant (which is true), so she clarified the difference to me:
- Her daughter is so affectionate and loving (compared to her sons)
- Her daughter plays well independently (compared to her sons who don’t)
- Her daughter is the center of attention of her brothers who worry and look out for her and often don’t fight with her (but the boys are constantly fighting)
I wanted to shout out from the top of my lungs and say – that’s exactly like my Nate! My youngest is just like your youngest! She attributes these parenting differences to the fact that it’s because she has a daughter, she never considered the fact that perhaps the differences are due to the fact that her daughter is the youngest (aka the baby) or that it’s just her personality. She just assumed. She didn’t even bother to ask me if it’s the same with my three kids to see if my youngest is different too. She just assumed that it was a gender difference and the worst part is that she felt bad for me. I could see it in her eyes, and I sensed it in her tone. Yes, I’m assuming too, but I’ve heard these phrases, quickly followed by “but of course it wouldn’t matter if I had all three boys…” enough times to know what she really felt and thought.
I guess, when I consider it, if nothing more, it makes me realize that I’m not missing out on not having a daughter. So perhaps next time I see her, I will thank her. Thank her for pointing out the obvious – parenting boys is just as wonderful and special as parenting girls!
I honestly don’t understand some of the things that people say. “A tragedy” for having three beautiful sons???? Nonsense. Parenting is parenting. And maybe how the child reacts has more to do with how we treat them and not their gender. Your sons are lucky to have you as their mom
Love your blog post today! You couldn’t be more correct. And if I may add, sometimes it has nothing to do with them being the oldest or youngest, it’s often just their personalities. Some kids are cuddly, some are not. Some kids are easy going, some give us a run for our money! It has nothing to do with gender or position in the family, and it has everything to do with who THEY are!
Ps. Your boys are delish! One day we will make a shidduch 😉
I will speak from absolute parenting experience here. I have one daughter, she is my oldest and I have 4 wonderful, loving affectionate boys. There are differences in parenting them based on age but never has it been based on their genders. My relationship with my daughter evolves and changes as she gets older as does the dynamic I have with each of my boys. I call BS on this one and say most of what she said had nothing to do with gender and all to do with the developmental stuff at that age. Maya you always do you best ❤️
What a great post, Maya! I only have one chikd – a daughter, and have nothing to compare my parenting experience with. Each child and each family is different different. It actually irks me when people make broad claims.
Comparisons tick me off. All four of my kids are different. My three boys each are different, my one daughter is different. Unique in their own way. Different from my neighbors kids, different from their cousins. How boring would the world be if “boys” and “girls” we’re all alike? Was my daughter easier as a baby? Heck, yes. Was she more content to read as a toddler and run less, yep. It’s her personality. But she can run faster than any boy and is a kick ass hockey player. My boys love to snuggle me and my daughter never has. Love today’s post and love your sweet boys! You’re a kick ass mom.
I am the mother of 3 girls and one boy. I am the sister of 4 brothers and 3 sisters. I am an active member of a large parenting forum that also does things like have weekly meetups and twice-yearly dances, among other ‘real life’ meetings. All of which to say…I’ve seen a lot of kids, and gotten to know them pretty well.
Here’s what I’ve noticed: personality trumps plumbing. Every single time.
There are sensitive kids and bold kids. There are shy kids and kids who come alive around people. There are kids who love to do things with their hands and kids who love to move their bodies. There are kids who jump right in and kids who scope the situation first. There are kids who are tender and loving and there are kids who are not, particularly. Kids who are hyper-aware of social implications and kids who are entirely oblivious. Kids who love to help and kids who would rather gargle bees than do anything that might be considered ‘cleaning’.
All those kids come in both plumbing types. I have noticed no gender-related trend, seriously. What I do notice is a difference – sometimes subtle, sometimes blatant – in how adults react to certain kinds of behaviour in girls and boys.
I was in a shipping store once with my then 3-year-old daughter. Her hair was short (because life is too short to argue with a 3 year old about hair brushing) and she was wearing a gender-neutral red rain slicker. The line was long and she wandered over to a garbage can – the kind with a swinging lid. She flipped the lid over and amused herself with the resulting teeter-totter. A kind older woman standing in the line with me leaned over to say “You see what your son is doing? A girl would never do that. They’re so different.” She was not happy to discover that my ‘son’ was female.
So…you do you. I feel sorry for your friend’s daughter, who will grow up thinking that only girls can be sweet and loving. Hopefully (if that’s her thing) she can find a boy like your son and they can confuse your friend by being super happy together.
Huh. Interesting. Because I have happen to have two daughters and one son, and here is what I’d say about them…
My son is so affectionate and loving (compared to my daughters). He is a HUGE Mommy snuggler.
My son plays well independently (give him some lego or any toys and he is good to play on his own for hours!)
My son is the center of attention of his sisters, who fawn over him and never, ever fight with him (but the girls are constantly fighting)
Perhaps it’s a two gender / one gender thing? Or, perhaps, it’s as simple as every KID being unique and different, regardless of gender. 😘
Agree. I think it just comes down to personality.
People can be clueless in all walks of life. Kids have varying personalities not based on what gender they are!
I wish you were closer so I could hug you for this one, Maya. My boys are tender, loving and sensitive. I am so proud to be their mama and I don’t feel a void in any way.