Parenting… it’s not for the faint at heart, am I right?
Just this past month alone I was faced with a slew of scenarios where I felt out of my element. I had no idea what the “right” thing to do was, so I just went with my instinct. Lets just say that I was crossing my fingers and toes in hopes that I don’t screw up my kids (or other people’s for that matter) too badly.
Which brings me to my question… Is it ever okay to discipline somebody else’s kid? I’ve written a similar post about this topic just last year when I yelled at somebody’s kid. You can read about that HERE. The more recent scenario didn’t have me yelling but rather, teaching somebody’s kid an important lesson.
As a stay-at-home-mom I have the “privilege” of watching my kids ALL THE TIME! I get to see who they interact with and how they interact. I get to know their friends and frenemies and often times, I end up acting as a parent to both. Recently, after school, we stayed around in the school’s playground as we normally do. I always make sure to come fully stocked with snacks because… KIDS! We are always more than happy to share our snacks with others (as long as we know them or they ask their parents first of course). Some of the kids we know really well and feel very comfortable – almost too comfortable at times. One day last week there was a 9- year old who felt that it was simply okay to reach into my backpack, and into our snack bag whenever he felt like it. Over and over again. The thing is, I don’t mind and I would have been happy for him to eat as many snacks as he wanted (as long as my kids got their share too), but not without asking. Even my kids know better and to ask if they want something. They don’t just simply reach into my private bag and grab what they want. It’s a simple lesson and rule but clearly, not something that this particular 9 year old kid was taught. I “caught him in the act” a few times and remarked that it’s okay for him to eat our snacks as long as he asks first. He said “okay” but clearly, it wasn’t okay because he kept doing it over and over again. At one point, he was pulling the snack bag away from my 2 year old and handing out the snacks as if they were his own. Obviously my kids were not having any of that. I had to speak out at this point telling him that he needs to have better manners and ask first, and that he was acting less mature compared to my 2 year old. It was harsh, but it was also the truth and I thought he needed to hear it. Obviously everybody’s parenting styles and philosophies differ and I actually know the mother of this kid very well and I think very highly of her. Sometimes I just think it’s important for kids to learn about different styles and ways that people operate so they can see alternative ways of dealing with certain situations. Whether or not this will have a lasting impression on him or not, I’m not sure, but I’m glad I spoke up.
Similarly, I hope that if my kids ever act inappropriately when I’m not around that someone else will say something to them. In fact, this did happen recently. My oldest son Kyle was acting inappropriately after school a few weeks ago. He kept pulling a tree branch and eventually it almost completely broke off. One of the after-school daycare workers came and (gently) scolded my son (I was just a few feet away speaking to another parent and didn’t notice). Once I was notified of the incident and brought up to speed, I looked at Kyle who was visibly upset and instead of scolding him (again), I just told him that it was a good lesson. Somehow the topic of pulling on branches never came up in my parenting him – so I was grateful when someone else, who witnessed his inappropriate behaviour, was there to set him straight!
So is it ever right to discipline somebody else’s child? I would say yes! If it’s going to help my kid became a better, more responsible person in society, then yes – please discipline him and teach him a different way of doing things! I’m only human after all… two eyes, two hands but three kids. The math doesn’t add up and we all know we can use the help of a village every once in a while!
It can be a touchy subject, depending on the parent. I grew up in the fifties and sixties. Our street was loaded with kids, where most homes had at least 3 children. Plus most moms stayed home. So we had all these mothers watching out for us but also to scold us. We didn’t (or couldn’t) get away with anything. News traveled like wildfire. lol. Didn’t seem to scar me.
Thanks for sharing. And yes, ultimately it’s about reaching manners and how to properly behave in public.
For me, discipline is different than offering behaviour guidance. When I was a kid it was common for neighbours to scold or correct us. Its a touchy issue now. I will speak to a child if they are in danger, damaging property or ruining the fun for other kids in a playground (is exceptionally mean or rude). Sometimes they listen, sometimes they don’t. There are days I just pack up my kid and leave if the behavior is bugging me because I don’t want to deal with it. I’m a childcare teacher, so I guide other peoples children all day and sometimes just want to have fun with my daughter
You are so right! And you’re right about the distinction too between discipline and guiding behaviour. I’ve often had to remove my kids from where they were playing because no matter what I said or did, the other kid wouldn’t stop and their parent didn’t do anything about it. It sucks that my kids have to “suffer” for somebody else’s inappropriate behaviour but sometimes it’s just easier and safer that way
You did the right thing. It was your bag too. We had a child repeatedly try to push my kid off her own trike at the park, kept honking the horn and just being a bug. I could tell the child didn’t know better as the parent sat on their phone and let them do that. I simply told the child if they’d like to share, please ask but don’t try to take over what’s not yours. The kid ended up going away after a while, never asked to play just wanted the toy. Sometimes you have to say something.
It’s true. Sometimes we just need to. And often the lesson sticks better when it comes from another adult that isn’t your own parent
Safety is a prime concern and also how to behave in public.
Definitely a touchy subject but I agree yes if it’s going to help my children become a better person
Yes this subject is quite controversial for parents. But I agree. Sometimes kids need that direction from another adult. I’ve had to do it quite a few times to kids rudely kicking soccer balls against my windows or throwing sticks, being destructive etc. Parents just seem to be so defensive nowadays if someone else scolds their child.. that’s what makes it difficult.
This is definitely a controversial topic. I think it depends on who is trying to discipline your child and for what. I have a family member who constantly tells my child he needs to share after their child rips toys from his hands so in this situation, no I am not okay with him talking to my child as though he is in the wrong.
In public situations, I tend to use other children’s behavior that I find unacceptable as teachable opportunities for my child. I am not the expert on what other people think is okay or not for their kids, but I will repeat myself over and over with my own children on what I believe. With that said, if it was a dangerous situation, sure I would intervene.
On this topic of the snacks, I also see some flattery. It looks like the child is mimicking what he sees with Maya’s sharing and he wants to do the same. He just isn’t going about it right. Why not have everyone bring something to share 🙂
I completely agree. It’s not really white or black and every situation depends on it. I have a whole separate perspective on “sharing” I never force My kids to share and I don’t expect it of others. Depending on what it is of course. Sharing is good and important but not if it’s forced. I’ll write a separate post on that.
What the kid did wasn’t so much “sharing” but rather helping himself to what isn’t is without asking permission first. I think it’s a basic rule in manners. And for a 10 year old, he seems like he didn’t grasp that even with repeated reminders.