It’s dawned on me recently… shortly after having my third son that I am different as a mom now. Not because I have more experience, or because I’m wiser or more laid back. In fact, with each new kid that I bring into this world, I feel like I know less and seek out the advice of other parents more than I have at any one point in the past. More than anything though, I realized that I really really sucked being a first time mom. By no means did I ruin my son forever (I hope), but I can sense a difference in my behaviour that changed between having my first son and my second and then my third.
When my first son was born, I was excited and elated. I wanted a child for as long as I can remember. What I didn’t anticipate was how I would feel once he was born. I think that I went into a state of shock and I experienced the baby blues. He was my son and I cared for him, and I would protect him with my life, but I didn’t have the ‘love’ feeling I expected. Not at first anyway… I didn’t have that “love at first sight” feeling that everyone talks about; my husband had that feeling and he felt it the instant our son was born. I was jealous that he felt this way and I wanted to one day feel that way too. I knew I would, but I hated the fact that I didn’t immediately or even with a month. In fact, it took a whole of six months when I suddenly, out of no where, felt that deep love feeling. So lets make a pact. Lets promise to never utter “love at first sight” to a new mom ever again. Because you never know… and there’s nothing worse than mom guilt!
I also didn’t speak to him enough for about the first month of his life. I wasn’t mad at him, I just didn’t verbally talk to him. When I was with him, I spoke to myself in my head but I never verbalized anything to him. My sweet baby boy, lying there, gazing up at me, so lovingly, and all I could do, was stare back. But really, he was just a blob. He could’t do much of anything. Speaking to him or even AT him, at first seemed weird. I had to make a conscience effort to do so. Eventually, it became normal and I just did it.
I hovered. I hovered A LOT! When other people were over and watching over him, if they didn’t hover, I would panic. I spent all day hovering over him and doing NOTHING else, including sleeping, cooking, baking, going out for alone time, learning something new, etc.. I can’t believe how much freedom I had and how I didn’t take advantage of it. Being at home with one kid is like a vacation compared to three.
I couldn’t wait for him to grow up. I counted the days till he turned three weeks because that’s when things got “easier.” I counted the days till he turned 3 months, because that;s when his colic was supposed to disappear. I counted the days till he turned 1 because that’s when the risk of SIDS diminishes. I counted the day till he could crawl, and then walk. I was always looking forward, to the next milestone, the next day and never enjoying the moment, the NOW! That’s probably why I didn’t enjoy the baby phase with my eldest and why I cherished it so much with my second and now my third and last.
Of course, I didn’t totally suck. There were a few things that I was great at. For one, I took my son everywhere. We scoured the city for events and if something was happening, we were there. My friends would often commend me on my outings and I was proud of it. I enjoyed taking my son out and exploring our great city with him. I haven’t had the same luxury or ability since my second and third were born due to conflicting demands and schedules (and really, a lack of extra hands). Similarly, I was able to provide my son with the opportunity to “model” (aka go and have his picture taken for fifteen minutes in various locations across the city) as a newborn. He now has a nice sum of money in his bank account and tons of adorable adverts that I’ve saved for him. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for my other two boys. I also taught my son American Sign Language (ASL) as early as 10 months. He knew over 30 signs! My second son only learned one sign (milk) and funny enough, he only picked it up after he started talking (go figure!).
More than anything, we got to spend a lot of quality time together. Sure, he may be an anxious child now with separation anxiety, but we truly bonded! That’s how I’m choosing to look at it at least and hopefully he does as well!
I love this post, Maya! You are such a prolific writer and an incredible mother and friend. I only have one child, and some days I think I suck more than others! It’s a constant learning experience 🙂
I applaud you for opening up about your feelings when your son was a newborn. While “love at first sight” happens for some, it doesn’t happen for all. It’s one of those things, like breastfeeding, that we hope happens, but if it doesn’t, we shouldn’t beat ourselves up for it. There’s so much going on in a woman’s body when she gives birth that there is no “normal”… the experience is different for everyone. Kudos for sharing your story and helping other Moms realize it’s ok to feel whatever they’re feeling. The more we share and support other Moms, the better off we’ll be.
Thanks so much Lisa. I really appreciate that. I really hope others who felt the same read this and know they’re not alone
Thank you for this post…because it is exactly how I am feeling at this moment as a first-time mom with my one-month old daughter. I’m so glad there are other women out there who felt the same way.
I spoke in my head too. Alot of this sounds like me. It bothers me sometimes that I had a difficult time having a good time in year 1. I realize I have a difficult time “letting go” and smelling the roses.
I hug my girl extra tight and enjoy everything about her and our experiences now.
Thank you for being so honest. This was beautiful.