Dear mom of the child I yelled at at the playground today,
It happened. I became that mom that I promised that I would never be. I did the unthinkable…I yelled at your child. The thought of someone doing the same thing to my kids makes me cringe. I feel like my kids already get enough “parenting” from my husband and I, they don’t need anyone else to parent them, especially when I’m with them. Except, least week, I did the one thing I despise other people doing. I became that person that yelled at someone else’s child.
But here’s the thing. I yelled at your child because you didn’t! You just stood there and did NOTHING when your 6-year child was hitting and acting out towards my two younger sons ages 3 and 1. I’m all for kids going at it without any adults involvement and sorting things out on their own. We all know that as parents, we can’t always be there for our kids, to solve all of their problems or to fight for them (literally and figuratively). Except, this situation didn’t involve my oldest son and your son – who are similar ages. In that case, I would have just stepped back and let them figure it out on their own. No, this situation involved your son against my two, much younger, much more vulnerable, much smaller boys.
I’m not here to point fingers or determine who “started” it. I’m writing this letter for two reasons. First, I was ashamed of my actions. I despise the fact that I had to yell at a young child when I refuse to do so with my own kids. Yelling should be reserved for emergency situations only, like when your child is running towards the road and you scream “NO! DON’T! COME BACK HERE!” However, this situation warranted it, which brings me to my second point…
I’m really disappointed with the way you handled the events that occurred at the park. We both witnessed the same thing, yet we both reacted completely differently. While your son was hitting and kicking and purposely created a “situation” with my boys, I couldn’t sit back while you were doing NOTHING about it. I mean, you did nothing and you barely said anything to your son about it. In fact, I saw you giggle and laugh when you asked your son to stop (in a meek voice). Now, I get it… I laugh inappropriately all the time. It’s an issue that I constantly struggle with and try to control. You didn’t raise your voice either, which I also understand as it’s something that I try not to do either (see the aforementioned paragraph about reserving my yells for emergency situations) and lastly, you didn’t even mouth the words “sorry” to me, to feel any remorse about your son’s actions (which aren’t appropriate, but heck, kids are kids, and even I get that they all have their bad days). You didn’t do any of those things, which I’m “okay” with, but here are some things that you could have done!
You could have walked away! Your son was obviously acting out in a way to get your attention. Also, by you standing there and not doing or saying anything, you were pretty much telling him that his actions were okay.
You should have removed your son from the playground. That’s what I did when your son attacked my boys. I physically removed my boys from the situation. I did it for their safety and to calm them. Eventually, I told them they could return to the playground and play in a slide that your son wasn’t using. Of course, your son ran right over to them when he saw them playing on the other slide. Again, he attacked them and you stood by and did nothing. That’s why I got fed up and I physically climbed up the playground structure and yelled at your son to stop. I couldn’t let him hurt my boys physically and emotionally anymore while you stood by and did nothing. My heart was racing, my head was pounding, my mama-bear instincts came out and I just did what I felt I had to do to protect my boys. I wish I didn’t have to do it, but you didn’t do your part. You didn’t parent when you should have, so I had to parent for you.
I know we’ve spoken in the past about the challenges you’ve faced with your son. I know he’s not the easiest of kids to deal with, and heck, I know how hard parenting can be, even for those of us who might have all the patience in the world. But I also know it sucks to have someone else’s mom or dad have to parent you. I wish that it was you and not me who stepped up and stopped the situation. By no means have I perfected “parenting” (far from it) and I am not saying that my kids are angels. Trust me, I’ve said the word “sorry” as a mom more than I have my entire life, and I’m a VERY polite person! Kids are kids, I get it, but they still need limits and rules and boundaries and you provided none of those today at the playground. I’ve pulled my kids to the side, left classes and events, and took away privileges more times than I can remember! It sucks and I feel like I’ve failed as a parent often. But I do it… I stick to it and I’m consistent. I never just sit back and let my kids act out in a way that is inappropriate and definitely not in a way that is hurtful to others (especially if they are smaller in both age and size).
I’m sorry I had to step up to take your spot but I’m also not-sorry. I think I did the right thing for my kids but I also hope to never have to do it again. You are the parent, the adult, the adviser and counselor. Please don’t forget that, no matter how tough it gets, and how crazy your day was. I hope that next time we see each other at the playground our kids will play together instead of against one another. At the very least, I hope that you will step up and parent your child so another parent doesn’t feel like they need to.
This doesn’t really sound like much of an apology.. maybe I’m wrong. But there were a couple of statements you’ve made that kinda contradict. You don’t think yelling is necessary unless ‘danger’ involved as you indicated with your example. But, you yelled at someone else’s child in a non emergency situation. You stated you felt ashamed of your actions, then came back with “i had to yell at someone else’s child” truth is, no.. you didn’t. Why not call “Mom” out. Ask her if she doesn’t see what’s going while you are intervening.
This is offensive and if I was her I would be offended “I’m sorry I had to step up to take your spot but I’m also not-sorry”. You didnt not step up to take her spot… you stepped into a situation between 3 children that needed stopped. YOU alone chose how you handled it. Just because she didn’t “yell” or seem attentive doesn’t mean your actions were correct either, nor does it make you a better parent. You’ve no idea what happened in her day prior to the park, maybe that woman was on the verge of a break down… maybe preoccupied by something else… I don’t know.
You acknowledge you are aware of her child’s challenges, does yelling help those? Did you help her at that moment?
You seem to apologize then come right back with “but I had to do your part”… intervening an interaction involving your children is not doing another parent’s job..
I’ve read this a few times since typing my response. I will stop here.
I am truly glad your children were not hurt, children sometimes don’t realize how cruel and unnecessarily mean they can be.. but, sometimes, adults don’t either.
I agree with your comments. And yes, I am contradictive. I wish I didn’t have to yell but I did because her child was physically hurting my MUCH younger kids and she wasn’t doing ANYTHING about it, on multiple occasions. I’m not saying it was the right way to react, but in the moment, after several chances for her to step up and stop her son, and she didn’t, so I acted. This wasn’t an apology letter… Just explaining my actions.
You gave the mother more then one chance and she didn’t step up. You also removed your kids and when you went back the same thing happened. I would have done the same thing and taken control for my kids safety and have done when they were younger. We were a at an outdoor BK once and these older kids kept doing dangerous things and breaking all the rules. I asked them to stop and told them nicely. When they didn’t I got the manager and they were told to leave if they didn’t use the equipment properly. I had the same thing with younger kids not being supervised and coming in my yard to play without permission. I told them nicely and they stopped coming over unless I said yes. If they were hitting my kids I would have yelled.
We all do things we regret, and I know you felt badly about yelling at the other woman’s child. But, there is no excuse for a parent to stand by and let her child hurt other kids. You did the right thing. You didn’t fly off the handle at the first sign of conflict or bullying; you waited it out to see if it would get resolved on its own, or (when it escalated) with intervention from the child’s mom. Obviously, that child needed direction and, since he didn’t stop after his own Mother asked him to, you had to step in. You had to protect your kids. So, yeah, you yelled at him. His mom tried – and failed – to get him to stop, so you had to do it. It’s easy for people to say what you “should’ve done”, but when you’re in the situation it’s totally different.
Thanks for the support! I wish I didn’t yell but I also felt like I was patient enough with that boy and his mom.
No matter what, no matter who, Your Children are the most important thing you can protect. Good for you!
While I never wanted to parent other people’s children when they are present and sometimes regretted doing so, I have also had to step in. It was not my best moment so I know how conflicted the feelings can be but it was the right thing for my children given the situation. No one can really judge without actually having witnessed the whole thing and even then we all make mistakes -the other mother, yourself, myself -all of us. Don’t be too hard on yourself -it will not be the last time this happens.
I agree with you 100% I do not like to yell at my kids, let alone other children but if the situation calls for it and the other parent isn’t doing there job, then yes I would have stepped in!! shame on the other parent for not dealing with the situation and putting a stop to it
You did the right thing. I will always intervene. My kids wellness is always first. Even if is talking,yelling whatever. A lot of parents don’t act be proud you do what is needed!
Rememeber that old saying
” It takes a village to raise a child” ?
Well this is one of the prime reasons why.
Too many irresponsible parents who think its okay for their kids to have little or no dicipline…and we wonder why their are so many sociopathic bullies out there.
Personally I would have not only yelled at the kid, but I would have taken him by the arm to his mother, and told her exactly what was wrong with her parenting style.
You sound like you are doing a good job of raising your kids.
Showing pity to someone who is failing as a parent because of whatever excuses they have, is letting them get away with irresponsible behaviour.
She’s probably having challenges with the kid because she is being a lazy, unresponsive parent..
And to take it a step further, if she doesn’t show any signs of improving in her parental duties, I would call social services and let them know she is neglecting the child. One of the basic needs of a young child is structure and learning what appropriate social skills are.
From your description of how she handled the situation, she seems like she needs some parenting lessons. If social services get involved, she may be required to take some parenting classes.
You did not step over the line. You showed your kids that you are their protector, and that it isn’t okay to bully younger or smaller kids.
I applaud you- you have nothing to be ashamed of, as a matter of fact, you should feel proud of yourself.
I don’t like it, but I yell at my kid plenty. Unfortunately, it’s how I was raised and I am lacking the skills to do anything else. I’ve been working on it, but parenting a Spirited, Explosive Child when you have no skills yourself is brutal. That being said, I can’t remember ever yelling at someone else’s kid. Not to say it didn’t happen, just that I don’t remember. I think you did the right thing and if this family is one you know, it’s probably be appropriate to avoid interactions with them unless you can control the situation, ie remove your children for their protection.
The one concrete parenting rule I’ve never broken was not to give advice to a parent whose kid is older than yours, but since it sounds like this mom has challenges, you could suggest she read Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka and The Explosive Child by Dr Ross Greene if she needs help parenting. We’re trying, but life with our 6 yr old is not awesome. She’s really good with other kids though.
Melissa Malejko! I was raised with yelling, (as were most of us) and have also been left with little to no tools for raising my own little ones. My son is very sensitive and spirited, and a big challenge sometimes for sure… funny thing is though… anywhere else he is but home he’s a complete ‘Angel’… so I realized 2 things: 1 – his challenging behaviour is relative to what I put out, and 2 – he feels safe and comfortable enough to show me his ugly (yaay for me!) I have recently discovered a website, book, and way of parenting that almost instantly has made significant differences at home for all of us… and also made me feel better about my approach and my way of parenting. Dr. Laura Markham and her ahaparenting website, and most importantly her books “peaceful parenting, Happy Kids” and “…Happy siblings”
http://www.ahaparenting.com/peaceful-parent-happy-kids
Happy reading, and good luck!
I very yelled at kids at my workplace because parents feel it’s OK for them to play with the electronics in my dept. I’m not your babysitter and I will not stand by and watch some of these “little jerks” wreck expensive products and have problem spilling thier pop and food all over the place. So, yes I will yell at other kids because you are too lazy or ignorant to do it yourself. Stand up and be a parent. Take responsibility for your kids actions. They learn from you. Sorry if I sound like a bitch, but I’m tired of kids having a sense of entitlement with no consequence for thier actions.
Someone hitting someone half their age? Not okay. Someone hitting your babies? DEFINITELY not okay and yeah, I would yell too – don’t mess with mama bear! It’s not like they weren’t sharing crayons. You did the right thing! Someone needed to let him know that hitting is wrong.
To be honest, I think I would have done the same thing – you admit it that we are not perfect and while in hindsight there might be better ways to handle it, in the moment that is very hard. I think the thing in the future to learn (and I think I am going to learn from your sharing – so thank you) is that one should ask who are you really angry at – the answer is probably the mom not doing anything. So what I have learnt is to ‘try’ to deal better witht the real problem rather than the child who obviously does not really know better.
A motto one person taught me is – when you are angry, get curious. Perhaps remove my child from the situation (in your case a second time), take a big breath to calm down, and then go over and ask the parent (sincerely, and not in a passive-aggressive tone) why they did not intervene.
Yes. 100%. This is exactly how I feel. You took the words out of my mouth. Thanks for the advice. Xoxo